I made some sub-optimal choices over a weekend in mid March. I was talking to a friend through that weekend, to be an outside observer and keep me sane. The friend held me through it, but later - when it was all over - came over and told me they were mad at me. They used the words “I am mad at you and I am here to yell at you”, which is phrasing we’ve all used in the friend group to indicate tough love. They told me how concerned they were that even though I’m under stressors #1 and #2, I am in denial; how much I’m putting my body through, and how much it can take before I break down. Reader, I did not take it well. I heard what they had to say - they were right, and they were right to say it! - but my brain went to a bad place. #
My brain immediately believed that they were only telling me this because they were mad at me - not because of concern (which was true) but because when I fucked up my self-care they would have to come and pick up the pieces. My brain believed they were mad at me because failing to take care of myself meant I was failing them, that I was adding to their workload and their burden. #
When children believe that they are responsible for themselves, they turn into well-adjusted individuals. But when they believe they have to be responsible for themselves, they internalise that #
They must manage all their problems by themselves at any cost. #
When they inevitably don’t, they are a burden. #
The cost of failure becomes exclusion from the group. Modern society systematically strips children from the ability to exercise their agency, making them uniquely reliant on the in-group, and so that cost, for children, becomes too high to fathom paying. #
I knew that was not what my friend was telling me. I knew (because it had been demonstrated) that my friend did not view me as a burden - did not even view caring for me as a burden. They told me that they’ve watched me show up for them and others time and again, and they always were going to do the same for me. This time, I believed them. Unconditional love is a powerful thing. #